The scene: You and your husband are having a hot night, curling up together in post-coital bliss. Suddenly, you feel open to new things, so while wrapped in his arms you decide to quote
Ludacris and ask: "What's your fantasy?"
You await his response. He's silent, then, he utters simply, "I'd like to have a threesome."
Your mind begins to race. You expected him to want to shower you with
vibrators or incorporate food play into your nightly regime or try some frisky teacher-student role play — not involve another living, breathing human. That said, you get hot from the idea of satisfying his needs. So...what's a strong, sexual woman to do?
Really ask yourself if you want it. No, really. No lying allowed.
Here's the thing: It's totally okay if you don't. "[A woman] should check her own intuition and gut," says
Dr. Megan Fleming, a sex and relationship therapist. "Ask yourself, '
Is this something I think would be a turn on for me, or am I doing this out of obligation and duty?"
"If you're pushing your body to do something it doesn't want to do, it might not be pleasurable," she adds. Women shouldn't feel pressured into any sexual experience.
She also stresses that couples should agree that "what I like to do and you like to do stays on the menu and anything you like and I don't falls off." Translation: Anything one person isn't into shouldn't happen.
Sex therapist
Sari Cooper says women should ask themselves, "Are you in a good place in your relationship sexually and otherwise? You don't wan to do something like bring a third in – [it] can be a trigger for people in terms of their jealousy — not for everybody, but some people. You don't want to do it if your relationship isn't solid."
A woman definitely shouldn't bring in a third person if she feels the relationship is on sexual life support. It should be a way of exploring that's mutually fun.
Envision it.
Cooper advises her clients to envision the scenario. "Can you imagine your partner with somebody else?" she asks. "What feelings come up for you? If jealousy comes up in the moment, how are you going to handle it? How have you handled it in the past? How do you avoid making dramatic scenes? " Another point worth discussing beforehand, she says, is how you and your husband will make the third person feel comfortable — remember, they're not just a prop for your fantasy, they're a living, breathing human with their own turn ons and offs.
Dr. Fleming suggests reading erotic stories or watching porn together as ways of exploring the idea before actually doing it.
Find the right third person.
Is this when you call your sexually vivacious pal? Not so fast. Picking someone you know well and who's a close friend might not be the best choice, Cooper says. "If it doesn't go the way you want it to or there's embarrassment or discomfort, that person is in your world — and you might not know whether that person is trustworthy to keep it private." Dr. Fleming also points out that a threesome could completely change the friendship.
A dating site that has options for couples to search together, like OkCupid, might be your best bet, Cooper says.
Establish boundaries.
Once a couple has decided to bring a third human into the game, Dr. Fleming says they should establish boundaries before planning the logistics. It's not wise to assume what will come next in the heat of the moment, as that could lead to hurt feelings and a less than ideal experience. For instance,
what happens after kissing? Who takes the lead?
A man might say he just wants to watch a woman with another woman, for example, but she might not be into that. Beyond that, some people might not be comfortable with their spouse having penetrative sex with a third person, says Cooper. "They have to make rules."
She says it's also important to discuss any jealousies that may come up. (This is not the time for playing the part of the elusive, chill girl if you have any issues!)
Dr. Fleming says that couples should tell that third person what their boundaries are, too, and that it's wise to discuss those boundaries in a public setting before bringing that person home.
Start small.
Okay! So you decided you're ready to take a third person into your bed. Dr. Fleming says that even having that conversation with a third person is important, because seeing someone get turned on by your partner is totally different than imagining it. You have no way of knowing how you'll feel — turned off or jealous — until you're there.
It's really important, she says, to "dip your toe in versus going into the deep end of the pool." Because once you've brought a third person into the bedroom, "There's no going back. "
Sex therapist
Dr. Michael Aaron suggests "soft swapping," which, he says, "may mean that instead of having a threesome, [there's just] light touching." Start with caressing and kissing before moving on to anything more intimate — and if anything feels not right, you can stop at any point.
Go forth and have fun! ...Or explore something else, if it's not your thing.
Remember: Having a threesome is not the only way to spice things up, should you want to explore with your partner and nobody else. "There are so many ways you can push boundaries," Dr. Fleming says.
And isn't that what we learned from Fifty Shades of Grey?
